Your child comes home from school upset. Someone wouldn’t let them join a game. Their best friend is spending time with someone else. A group chat has turned negative.
You want to help, but knowing what to do can be difficult. Do you call the teacher? Help them work it out? Give them space?
By November, children have had time to settle into their classrooms, and friendship patterns may be becoming more apparent. The excitement of September has passed. For some children, questions about where they fit and who they can count on are taking up a lot of emotional space.
November also brings Ontario’s Bullying Awareness and Prevention Week. It is a useful opportunity to look beyond messages about kindness and consider what children need from the adults around them.
Friendship matters. But children should never have to depend on peer approval to feel that they matter.
Why parents need to matter more than peers
Developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld describes the idea that parents need to matter more than peers, meaning that we need to remain our children’s most trusted source of care, knowledge, guidance and belonging. Feeling known and loved unconditionally by family helps children withstand difficult peer dynamics.
Friendships can be wonderful. We want our children to experience the joy of being understood, included and appreciated by other children. At the same time, peers are still growing up themselves. They cannot reliably provide the steadiness and perspective that caring adults can offer.
From an attachment perspective, our role is to make sure our children have a secure place to return to when those relationships become difficult. We want our knowledge of who they are to carry more weight than a classmate’s hurtful comment.
We cannot make ourselves matter more by demanding loyalty or criticizing their friends. That influence grows through relationship: enjoying our children, listening to them, taking their feelings seriously and supporting them through challenges.
We can also make room at home for fun. The emotional climate of our household matters, and looking after our own well-being is part of looking after our children’s. Simple things like playing music, sharing a laugh or having friends over can make a difference. If even those little things feel difficult right now, we get it. You are not alone, and therapeutic support can help.
The message we want our children to experience is: You belong with us. You don’t have to earn your place here.
This remains important as children become teenagers. They may want more privacy and independence while still needing us to notice, make time and keep the connection open.
How to support a child with friendship trouble at home
Make room for the hurt before offering solutions
It is hard to hear that your child has been excluded. Our instinct may be to reassure them quickly:
“Just play with someone else.”
“Don’t worry about what they think.”
Although well intended, these responses can move past the part your child most needs us to understand.
Try starting with:
“That really hurt. You wanted to be included.”
“It’s hard when you don’t know where you stand with a friend.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
You can take their feelings seriously while remaining curious about what happened. Once children feel that you get it, they are often more receptive to support.
Make connection easy to find
A child who has spent the day trying to fit in may need a break from working so hard at relationships.
Offer small, predictable opportunities to be together: a snack after school, walking the dog, reading at bedtime or doing something they enjoy. Let some of that time be free of questions about school, reminders and correction.
If they do not want to talk, you can leave the door open:
“You seem like you’ve had a hard day. You don’t have to tell me about it right now. I’m here.”
Connection does not have to be elaborate to be meaningful. What matters is that our children experience us as available and glad to be with them.
Sometimes this means managing our own anxiety and resisting the urge to keep asking what happened. Believe me, I know how hard that can be! Repeated questions can feel intrusive, even when they come from love. We want to convey that we can handle what they bring us and give them room to share at their own pace.
Help them understand friendship without making acceptance their job
When your child is ready, explore what feels good and what feels difficult in their friendships.
“Can you say no to this friend?”
“What happens when you want something different?”
“Do you feel comfortable being yourself?”
Children can learn to apologize, negotiate and consider another person’s perspective. They also need to know that friendship should leave room for their preferences, boundaries and differences.
For children who are frequently misunderstood or excluded, support should include helping the environment become more welcoming. Being included should not depend on hiding who they are. At the same time, some children benefit from explicit, compassionate guidance about social expectations and other people’s boundaries.
I often tell my own kids: “Friendships are for fun; grown-ups are for problems.” Friends can certainly care about and comfort each other, but big problems need big people: parents, extended family, teachers and other trusted adults. Children can become overwhelmed when a peer relies heavily on them for emotional support. Sometimes they pull away because they do not know what to do.
Another phrase I use is: “They’re just a kid.” It can take some of the intensity out of a situation by reminding our children that their peers are still learning and making mistakes. We can hold realistic expectations while still addressing hurtful behaviour.
And it is okay if your child made a mistake, too. We can take it seriously without making it a catastrophe. They can take responsibility, make amends and learn.
There are so many lessons in the ups and downs of friendship, especially when a supportive adult is there to accept a child unconditionally, help them regulate and work through what happened.
Give them more than one place to belong
A difficult classroom friendship can feel all-consuming when school is a child’s main source of connection.
Time with cousins, family friends, neighbours or a welcoming activity group can offer other experiences of belonging. Protect time with caring adults, too.
The aim is to help your child experience a world larger than the group that is currently deciding who is “in.”
Is it friendship conflict or bullying?
Friendship conflict can involve disagreements, hurt feelings and changing interests. Children may need adult help to understand one another and repair the relationship.
Bullying involves a real or perceived power imbalance. It can include physical aggression, threats, humiliation, deliberate exclusion or online behaviour. Power may come from popularity, group size, age, strength or access to embarrassing information.
You do not have to settle on a label before asking for help. A single serious incident deserves attention, and ongoing friendship distress deserves support even when it does not meet a definition of bullying.
Pay attention to changes such as avoiding school, withdrawing from activities, disrupted sleep or frequently feeling unwell before school. These changes can have many causes, but they are reasons to gently explore what your child is experiencing.
When you need to talk to the school about friendship problems
Start with your child
Ask what they are worried might happen if you contact the school. Children sometimes fear embarrassment, retaliation or losing the friendship altogether.
Explain what you plan to share and involve them in decisions where possible. You can say:
“I’ll listen to what you want and keep you involved. It’s my job to help keep you safe, and we may need another adult’s help.”
Avoid promising secrecy when safety may require action.
Describe the behaviour and its impact
Give the teacher concrete information: what your child reported, when and where it happened, whether it has happened before and how it is affecting them. Save relevant messages or screenshots.
Be clear about what you know and what you are asking the school to explore. You can take your child seriously while remaining open to additional information.
Ask for a specific plan
“Please keep an eye on it” can be a starting point, but families need to understand what support will look like.
Useful questions include:
Who can my child go to during the school day?
What supervision will be in place where the incidents are happening?
How will staff respond if the behaviour continues?
How will you reduce the risk of retaliation?
How will progress be monitored and the plan adjusted?
Schools cannot guarantee friendship. They can set expectations for respectful behaviour, address exclusion and provide adult support. A thoughtful teacher may be able to discreetly ease a milder situation without drawing attention to any child. More serious situations need a clear response that supports safety, learning and meaningful repair.
Where there is intimidation or a power imbalance, ask how safety will be established before considering a joint conversation or restorative process.
I worked in schools for many years. While many schools refer to restorative justice, the training and support available to carry it out can vary. A restorative process needs careful assessment and preparation; a poorly handled process can add to a child’s distress.
If restorative justice is recommended, ask:
What training and experience does the person facilitating it have?
How will you determine whether this situation is suitable?
What does the process look like from beginning to end?
How will my child be supported, and what happens if they do not feel safe participating?
Follow up when concerns continue
Send a brief written summary of the plan and agreed follow-up date. If the behaviour continues or your child remains unsafe, contact the principal and ask for the school’s bullying prevention and intervention process.
Collaboration works best when adults share information openly and follow through. Respectful communication can also be firm and specific.
What if your child is the one causing hurt?
It can be painful to learn that your child has excluded, threatened or humiliated someone. They need us to stay connected while taking the behaviour seriously.
Be clear:
“I love you, and I know that you are good. This is not how we treat people.”
Then get curious about what is happening. Are they trying to hold on to a friendship? Afraid of becoming the next target? Following a group? Struggling with jealousy, impulse control or frustration?
Understanding what is underneath helps us guide them. Accountability also means stopping the behaviour, supporting meaningful repair and working with the school to prevent it from continuing.
Our children need to know that we can face difficult things about their behaviour without withdrawing our love.
A secure relationship gives children somewhere to return
We cannot prevent every friendship disappointment. We can help ensure our children have somewhere to bring the sadness, confusion and shame that can come with it.
That is part of what attunement offers: the experience of being understood and cared for when life feels difficult.
We also need to protect home as a place of rest. If friendship issues are following your child home through devices or social media, set limits that give them a real break from school social dynamics. Explain that you are helping them get some relief, and make room for connection and enjoyable activities offline.
If friendship difficulties or bullying are affecting your child’s well-being, Attuned Families offers child therapy and parent coaching in Toronto. We also consult to schools. We help families understand what is happening and find a way forward through connection, support and practical guidance.