First-Day Jitters Toolkit: Scripts for Big Feelings about Back to School; Preventing School Avoidance
Somewhere in mid-August, you can feel it arrive. The summer's still here, but anticipation of the first day of school is likely building. Your child or teen might be a little more irritable, a little clingier or a little off in some other way. You might be feeling it too — I know I am. One of my daughters is starting high school this September and the other is headed into a year primed for some tricky social dynamics.
It’s not wrong that we’re all feeling it a little - It's a sign that our systems are preparing for what’s coming. In my experience, the anticipation is often the worst part. The unknown can be very unsettling, and transitions are genuinely hard for the human brain.
In many cases, the end of summer asks us to give up a relaxed pace broken up by adventure and lots of family time in favour of more structure, a new teacher, new expectations, and the social maze of a new classroom.
Our teens are grappling with parting with childhood and summer offers a chance to regress and let their guards down - a reprieve from the complex demands of their peer social groups.
If your child or teen is acting younger than usual, meet the needs they are presenting. Let them be more dependent. If it persists, you can seek professional guidance, but it’s very often temporary, gets important needs met, and ultimately helps them become more independent.
Of course kids will feel all kinds of feelings about a return to school. The question isn't how to prevent the this, it's how to be a soft but steady place for these feelings to land, so that these feelings don’t whip the whole family into a tailspin and derail the rest of summer.
Often the instinct when our kids are anxious we try to make the feeling go away by shutting it down or reassuring and over accommodating. While these are very common responses, they don’t usually work. Here’s what does:
Start with your own nervous system. Co-regulation isn't a technique you perform; it's a state you're in. A child catches calm the same way they catch worry — through your tone, your shoulders, your breathing. Before you can steady them, get yourself steady. For some, that means getting up earlier than everyone else to have some quiet time and feel one step ahead. What we know helps parents regulate their own systems are good daily or weekly habits: exercise (even a 7 minute workout will do the trick), good nutrition, a few minutes of mindfulness, and connecting with friends and loved ones who can co-regulate YOU. Take a look at what you need over the next few weeks to get you in the right frame of mind to support your kid(s). Once you’re feeling more regulated, try some of the scripts and tips below. If you are unable to stay regulated, feel free to reach out to us - we can help with this.
Why Scripts?
Even if you do all the right things, for many, it almost falls apart at the finish line. The backpack is packed, the lunch is made, the first-day outfit was chosen three days ago — and somewhere between the kitchen and the front door, your child's face changes. The big feelings arrive: the wobble in the chin, the "my tummy hurts," the sudden, fierce "I'm not going," or the not getting out of bed.
And here's the thing no one tells you: in that moment, most of us go blank. We know we're supposed to say something calm and wise, and instead we hear ourselves saying "you'll be fine!" for the fourth time while frantically checking the clock.
So here's a toolkit of word-for-word scripts for each moment of the first day. Not because there's one magic sentence, because having words ready is what lets you stay the calm one in the room. Screenshot it, review it the morning of, and make it your own. Scripts help some parents stay regulated in difficult moments but don’t get too caught up on the exact words because it’s actually way less what you say and way more what you convey.
Usually a script does the same three things: it names the feeling, it doesn't argue with it, and it ends somewhere solid — what's going to happen, who will be there, when you'll be back. Feelings are allowed; boundaries and expectations remain.
Hot tip: Leave lots of time! It’s hard to stay calm when you’re running late. Plan for every step to take twice as long and get to school early. For younger kids, be playful on the way and at arrival. Play mode turns off anxiety mode.
The night before: scripts for the worry spiral
Big feelings love bedtime. If the worries come out when the lights go off, try:
“Your brain is doing its job — it’s checking for problems before a big day. It’s allowed to check. And I’m right here. You can give your worries to me and I will take care of them.”
Alternative for teens: “Your brain is doing its job — it’s checking for problems before a big day. It’s allowed to check. And here’s what we know: you’ve done a lot to prepare for this. You know where to go, you have your schedule, there will be people there to help you and you will find your people. Also, you are not the only one feeling this way - most kids have first day jitters.”
“Tell me the worry. We don’t have to fix it tonight — I will think on it.”
“What’s one thing you’re a tiny bit curious about tomorrow?”(Curiosity and anxiety can’t fully run at the same time.)
For the child who wants answers: “Sometimes the hardest part is not knowing. After tomorrow, you will know and then you will come home and tell me all about it. Now your job is to sleep in your cozy bed.”
Keep the night-before conversation short and warm. Rehearsing every scenario at 9 p.m. feeds the spiral; naming it and closing the day gently settles it.
Hot Tip: If worry is persistent throughout the day, create a worry window - a time when you will review your child’s worries with them each day. They can write their worries down and put them in a worry box and you will spend 20 minutes per day looking through their worries. By the time that 20 minutes comes along, your child may not find those worries so pressing. The ones that are still pressing, you address, validate and problem solve. Follow up with some play or quality time.
The morning of: Scripts for the things that come up
"My tummy hurts." → "Aww, I’m sorry your tummy hurts. Sometimes worry goes into your tummy. Let's have breakfast and see if it softens — bodies feel braver after food."
"I'm not going." → "You don't have to feel ready. You just have to come with me to the kitchen. We're doing one step at a time this morning."
"What if no one likes me?" → "A lot of kids worry about that. You know what I know? Sometimes it takes time to find your people but it will happen. I like you very much. Take the time to look for kids that you think you’ll like and tell me about them when you get home."
And for the morning meltdown: fewer words, not more. "I've got you. It’s okay to be upset. First socks, then shoes." A dysregulated child can't process paragraphs — short, rhythmic, and next-step-only is the kindest thing you can offer.
For teens the worry often manifests as something concrete like the outfit isn’t right or they don’t have the right supplies. Make sure to get everything prepared and settled in advance. Then in the moment “It’s amazing how an outfit that looked good enough yesterday looks totally different once nerves set in.” OR “Everyone your age is worrying way more about themselves than you. You can change if you want to, but when you were clear-headed, this outfit looked good to you.” “Let yourself be nervous - anyone in your situation would be nervous. It’s just your body’s way of preparing you. It doesn’t mean that anything is wrong.”
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The drop-off: the script for the hardest 90 seconds
The drop-off script has one rule: warm, brief, confident. You can hang out to let them warm up and once it’s time to say goodbye, follow through. Going back and forth only worsens things.
"I love you. You're safe at school. [Teacher's name] takes care of kids all day — that's their whole job. I'll see you at pick up and I want to hear all about it. See you then, my love."
Then: one hug, one kiss, one wave — and go. If there are tears, trust the handoff: for most children the storm passes within minutes of the goodbye, and staying longer lengthens it rather than softening it. NOTE: if you think this is going to be really hard for your child, ask to meet their teacher in advance of the first day of school. This should absolutely be accommodated by your child’s school.
A transitional anchor can help — a small stone in the pocket, a heart drawn on a wrist, a matching bracelet. Something to touch that says we're still connected until pick up.
For teens: “You’ve got this. You’ve done hard things before. If you need my help you know how to reach me.” “Be yourself. You are a great kid. You will find your people.” By this age your teen may have tricks that help them stay regulated. You can gently remind them of what helps them regulate in the moment. "If you get overwhelmed, find three red things, three blue things and three yellow things.” Attune to your teen to help you know when to get serious and when to keep things light - when to lean in and when to hang back.
After school: scripts for the after-school avalanche
Your child held it together all day. You're the safe place, so you may get the avalanche — grumpiness, tears, or fourteen words total ("fine," "nothing," "can I have a snack").
Skip "how was your day?" Try: "You made it through day one. I'm so glad you're home. Snack first, talking later — or no talking at all. Both are fine with me."
If day one was genuinely rough: "Some first days are hard ones. That doesn't mean this year will be hard. Tell me all about it." Validate feelings first, then invite problem solving or provide support. “Tomorrow we try again, and I'm on your team the whole way.”
Hot Tip: You are your child’s best advocate. You don’t want to go to the teacher about every little thing, but you do want to partner with them to ensure your child is successful in their class. Always be respectful and collaborative when communicating with teachers. Do reach out to them if there if you have questions or want to share something with them that could support your child.
Hot Tip: Tune into to the happy stuff too! Sometimes when our kids are happy we turn our focus to other things because they don’t need us in that moment. That can set you up for a pattern of connection seeking through problems and negative emotions. Avoid that trap by tuning in to celebrate happy times and success too.
When it’s more than jitters
First-day nerves are healthy and human, and for most kids they fade quickly. It's worth a closer look when the distress persists or escalates instead of easing: mornings that end in panic past mid-September, sleep and appetite staying disrupted, a child refusing school outright, or big reactions out of proportion to the day, every day.
That's not a parenting failure — it's a signal that something underneath needs understanding. Sometimes it's anxiety that needs treatment; sometimes it's an unidentified learning difference or sensory profile making school genuinely harder than it looks. Our [School Support Services] team works with families and schools on exactly this, and an (assessment] can turn "we don't know why school is so hard" into a clear picture with a plan. One honest note from our practice: fall assessment spots fill quickly once September hits — the weeks before school starts are the moment to book.
If you already expect that back to school will be hard on your family, getting support before school starts can help.
Tuck this in your back pocket
Save this post. Screenshot the scripts you'll need. Send it to the other parent, the grandparent doing drop-off, your group chat of fellow August-dreaders. And remember the quiet truth under all of it: you can’t always make the road easy for your child, but you can show up in a way that gives them the confidence they need to navigate it. You’ve got this.